When I Paint My Masterpiece, It Will Be In Red Colored Font

For those who have been following this blog for a while, you will know that I have a hard time with cover letters. Or, well, not really a hard time with them.  More a hard time writing the same old, boring, self puff pieces that you're supposed to write.

No.  I have to pontificate.  I have to make the reader giggle.  I have to be slightly unprofessional.  You know, much like this blog.  And then I hope all of the customer service awards listed on my resume will show the employer that I am *very* professional when it comes to actually dealing with customers, members, and leadership.

Well, today, I actually applied for a social media job for a place that probably won't hire me.  Like so many times before.  The difference is that this one didn't require a writing sample.  But I gave them one anyway.  I looked at their Twitter and Facebook presence - and I stared it down.

This was what came out...

Dear Sir or Madam,

When your potential Twitter audience is half the population of the United States (at base, since women care about the men in their live's health as well) and you have just over 5,000 Twitter followers, you've got, as the famous movie line said, "a failure to communicate." But my name is Michael Goldman and I think I can help. I would be interested in applying for your association's open Communications - Internet and Web position.

I know that my opening might come off as harsh since 5,000 followers isn't a bad number for an association. I have applied at many places with a lot fewer Twitter followers. But what I can tell immediately from looking at your account is that you're not engaging these followers. Web 3.0 is about engagement and user-generated content, not press releases. Your Twitter presence is currently talking at your members and potential donors and not even asking them to participate. The lack of "@" signs (and comments and likes on Facebook) is a tell-tale sign of this. You've taken the first step toward a turnaround by posting for a web-specific communications position.
If you decide to interview and hire me for this position, you will have taken the next step toward a great advocacy and fundraising future.

While I do not have a formal degree in Marketing, in the time since I was last in a job, I have taken it upon myself to learn the ins and outs of social media. From my own (limited) funds, I attended the recent Social Media for Non-Profits seminar in Washington D.C. I have learned the intricacies of TweetDeck and WordPress to supplement the skills that I had already attained in InDesign and Photoshop in my past. I even know my Klout score - it's 60. Your organization's is 38. If you don't know what a Klout score is, then you need me, or someone like me, even more. Again, I've seen worse. But I can make you better.

If you are looking for proof of my skills, they can be found at http://twitter.com/#!/greenmind0428.  Though, trust me, I am much more professional in my business dealings. My multiple customer service and employee of the month awards should be proof of that.

My resume and salary history, as requested, are attached. I am always available at the contact points below to answer any questions. Should you feel my qualifications fit this position, I would look forward to discussing the position more in-depth with you.

Sincerely,
Michael Goldman
xxxxxx
xxxxxx
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twitter.com/greenmind0428

I do want the job.  But since I haven't heard back from any other marketing positions yet, I just let full guns rip.  We'll see what happens.  As it stands, even if there are errors in it, this will be my masterpiece of a cover letter until the end of my working days.